Lessons in Motherhood
Parenting a teenager is a lot different than parenting a toddler. Maybe that statement is not necessary because of its utter obviousness, but it is a thought that comes to mind as I sit down to try and work through my own uncertainties. I would also say that being a stepmom adds another layer of confusion and apprehension to the whole prospect of parenting.
This morning I woke up feeling an anxiousness, but a type that I haven't felt since my college post-drinking nights. What did I do last night and why? Now, I wasn't drinking last night – that is definitely not the issue. So why did I wake up with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach?
Yesterday I went to pick up our stepson from baseball try-outs. The frustration slowly built as I realized all of the boys had already walked out of the school. And then it was just me. No other cars were in line waiting for pick-ups. As I pulled out of the parking lot I realized he must have gotten a ride with his friend. His parents had given our son a ride home several days ago, and then I had reciprocated the next time. The thing was, I had not told our son that would be the case this time. I guess that logic is not always part of the thought processing for a 14 year old. Even though I told myself not to be angry when I got home, I was.
The flame of frustration that was just smoking seemed to burst into flames when our teenager did not apologize for the mishap. I don't know why, but I really needed a, "Sorry about that! I didn't mean for you to drive out there for nothing – I'll definitely check with you next time." I didn't get that.
Despite the fact that I had felt unappreciated and disrespected, maybe the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning was a result of reviewing not his actions, but my own actions in response to his. Don't get me wrong, I didn't beat the kid! He had to do chores around the house for the same amount of time that I wasted while waiting for him, and when he started to talk back, his iPod privileges were revoked. It sounds cliche, but let the punishment fit the crime. While he is taller than I am, he is still a kid. How can I expect him to react in a mature, thoughtful way when most adults can't?
Mothering an infant is hard, but (step)mothering a teenager is a whole other stage of motherhood to undertake.
This isn't the first time my husband and I have tried to explain how people should talk to one another, how they should use body language, or how they should – sometimes – just be quiet and listen. I am sure it won't be the last either, and I don't say that in an irritable or deprecating way. The problem though, is in the way these conversations play out. Something that should take five minutes to talk about turns into an evening of loud voices, tears, awkward silences, and then... finally, a calm family conversation that hashes out everything in a respectful way.
Thank God for my husband. Literally, I am thanking the Lord for him as I type this. He was the one who pointed out to me just how each of us had our own perspective, and that each one was valid. At first, I bristled to this (maybe I can blame that on the Sicilian heritage). I quickly let him know I wasn't sorry for what I had said, and he quickly told me he didn't expect an apology for anything I had done. "You can win," he'd said. The sad part was, none of us had 'won.'
Parenting a teenager really forces me to take a second and third look at how I communicate, how I deal with stress, and how I respond to others. The way I act and talk is a lesson for our sons. I am sure that even my toddler is learning from me every day, but my interactions with him are just in a different stage right now. Teenagers can see and understand everything that their parents do. If my stepson doesn't learn how to be a respectful, caring, and hard-working man at home, then he may not learn it elsewhere either. It is part of my job to teach him!
Do we tell him not to get sucked into his iPod for hours at a time? Yes we do, but that also means that we cannot use technology in a way that lets the day slip away before we have done anything productive either. Do I tell him to pick up the towel off of his floor and make his bed? Yes, yes I do. That means I have to as well. These things might seem trivial, but his father and I want him to grow up to be a man who can take care of his own needs responsibly. While these demands on him might seem pretty easy, they are not. It makes sense then, that teaching him how to communicate effectively and how to actively show respect are also not easy lessons.
I wasn't sure how to write about this at first. I do not want to post things online that will hurt my stepson. Writing has become a way for me to sort out my thoughts and questions in this still fairly new role. Then, after reading through my devotional verses, I realized how I could see the whole situation. I realized, as I thought more about it and took the verses to heart, that it was not just about him. That is why I woke up with an uneasiness. Yes, I was frustrated with him for not apologizing yesterday, but I was also frustrated with myself – as the (step)mom – for not handling his chastisement with more grace. Guess what the topic of my devotional reading was today?
Will you choose gratitude when corrected?
"Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding" (Proverbs 15:32).
"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice" (Proverbs 13:10).
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139: 23-24).
Yes, our children need to take discipline to heart. I would not try to punish either of our boys if I did not see a real need of it. Discipline is meant to improve, not tear down. At the same time, when my discipline comes from a place of frustration, without a moment to think through how it is presented, it can just lead to a power struggle tug-of-war. As a family we came up with a 'safe word' to say if/when we start to argue with no productive end in sight. I hope that helps us to avoid the unproductive conflict that has reared its nasty head so many times in the past. I, as the (step)mom, needed to search my own heart this morning. Now I know that when this discipline is needed again, I need to take a breath, and ask God to guide me. Goodness knows He has forgiven me for much worse.